Tuesday, October 02, 2007

on the horns of a dilemma

Welcome back from vacation, the world said to me. You have miles to drive before you sleep, the bulk of those with a 4 year old and a medium to large dog, and you will have no internet access or beer with which to soothe your frazzled nerves when you get home.

Screw you, you dirty motherfucker, I said to the world. Or that's what I would have said, if I hadn't fallen immediately into bed and to sleep.

Vacation hangovers are always tough, but this one was the worst I've had in a while, maybe ever. We had such a lovely, lovely time, full of friends and food and gin and tonic...and the calming power of the ocean. If vacation was like floating peacefully in a warm hot tub (and there was some of that, too), then coming home was like being dipped in a vat of ice water. I felt all warm and fuzzy with a heaping touch of effervescence on vacation, and now, in comparison, I feel a bit tepid and hairy with a glaze of ennui.

But I digress. Poorly. Now we are home, and that is that. Grow up, sister.

Here is my dilemma- we are scheduled to go to DC this weekend for my cousin's birthday bash, at which there will be all kinds of people that I love and that make me feel warm and fuzzy and happy to be alive whenever I see them, which would be especially welcome after the start of this week. But DC is almost a 4 hr drive, with the old lady and kid and dog, all of whom are tired from last week. We shouldn't go, I know. But I desperately want to. I love seeing this side of my family, and I don't get the chance very often. I don't think any of them are coming o the Soiree, and it will likely be after the first of the year when we get to see them again.

It's like a lot of choices in life- I'm certain I know the right choice for everyone else, but in the end, I'm certain it's not the right thing for myself. And, most often, I'll defer to someone else's needs over my own. I'm not sure whether that's kindness or cop out. We're taught to be selfless, not selfish, and in many circumstances, that's completely the right choice, especially when you have kids. But where do you draw the line? How long and in what situations do you have to remain unhappy so that someone else is happy? You don't rock the boat, but then, one day, you feel like throwing yourself overboard and you don't care if you drown.

Gah- I thought I was done with bad cliches and flowery metaphors for today! My apologies.

What was I saying to myself earlier? Ah, yes- Grow up, sister. It's not that life isn't always fair, it's that it rarely is. But it's rarely unbearable, either.

I always feel guilty about wanting more, when I know I'm very lucky. And I'm not a poor, pitiful passive-aggressive type (um, anymore, anyway), either- I have no problem asking for what I need, at least the first few times, and may even be a lttle bossy and exasperating about it. And I usually have most everything I need. Maybe I am blowing this all out of proportion. Maybe I am overthinking. Maybe I need to shut up.

Maybe I need to go back on vacation.

Maybe I need to stop talking about my *feelings*. Because, honestly, I always end up sounding like a martyr or an asshole, and I am neither.

Maybe I am a tiny bit of an asshole, actually.

Maybe my next post will be on something lighthearted and winsome. Like pork.

Oh, yes. Pork.

I already feel better.

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