Thursday, July 12, 2007

I forgot this post was quietly waiting in my drafts folder...about 10 minutes after I wrote this, I got the call on my bat phone and headed out to take care of some 'family issues'...and promptly forgot all about silly stuff like blogs. Well, it's not timely anymore, but I still feel this way, so hey, here we go.

10 years ago today, right about now (it's 1157a as I write this), I was poised at the top of a staircase in a beautiful froofy dress, getting ready to descend and take my grandfather's arm and walk down the aisle for the first time. I was giddy, giggly, nervous and overjoyed. It was the happiest day of my life, the nineteen years leading up to that point, anyway.

If you had asked me on that day, I would have told you that in 10 years, of course we would still be married, and we would have a house, a dog, and a child- maybe even a picket fence.

I am married, with a house, dog, child- but not with the same man I married 10 years ago. The happiest day of my life is now the day my son was born. If you had told me this 10 years ago, I wouldn't have believed you.

I'm glad that no one told me. While I do regret things that were done and said, especially the things I did or said that hurt someone I loved very much, I don't ever regret falling in love, or getting married, even if things didn't go as planned. Some of the most intense emotions that I have ever felt were a direct result of that relationship, and while some were frightening (anger, jealousy, resentment), most were exhilarating (love, passion, desire). My life is more reasonable, calm, contented now, and for that I am glad- but I am also glad that I had the thrill of that kind of love.

And I'm glad that I can look back on it all now with a certain fondness. I feel mostly wistful, instead of despairing, when I think of what we had and lost. I'm not sure how, or if, he looks back on it all. I think that we're both much happier now that we aren't together, which is a bit sad, but at the same time, comforting. I may not actively mourn, but I will always grieve and always remember.

But life goes on. I have a wonderful family, including my Big Guy and Little Guy, for which I am very grateful. I have a terrific group of friends, including old ones that I had lost track of after the breakup, and new ones that I gained when I married again, and for that I am very grateful. And days like today, I look back on what I had, and for that, I am also very grateful.


Anonymous fro said...

"I'm not sure how, or if, he looks back on it all."

He looks back on it with mature eyes: with a deep respect and appreciation for the love you shared, and an understanding of the complexities of long-term relationships.

"Draw from your past, but do not let your past draw from you" (exact author unknown to me)

Years ago when he was reminiscing and felt hurt or betrayed, he reminded himself that everyone does the best they can with what they've got. He knows that he didn't do the best he could, and for that he'll never forgive himself. But he forgave you a long time ago, and harbors no resentment towards you.

He laughs when he thinks about the good times: the parties, concerts, road trips, and quiet nights at home. He laughs when he thinks about your mother (especially not having to deal with her at the holidays) and some of the absurd situations that accompanied her. In general he laughs a lot more these days.

He hopes that you're not upset about him reading some of your blog.

He's thankful that you've found true love again in multiple forms: your son, your husband, and your dog. He's thankful that he was able to love someone the way he loved you. And he's thankful for the life lessons he learned...the most important probably being that life is one long lesson: learning from mistakes isn't easy but is entirely necessary to enjoy life.

Part of him will always love you. He understands that love comes in many forms, and that love never feels the same twice. He will always cherish the love you shared. Alwaxs.

And of course, when I say "he," I really mean "me."

If learning is living,
and the truth is a state of mind,
you'll find it's better
at the end of the line.

--Jay Farrar

9:46 AM  

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