Monday, October 17, 2005

Blog Angst

I hardly ever update this blog, and really, it doesn't matter because no one I know reads it. No one I know even knows I have a blog, except for my boyfriend, and I don't think he reads it. And really, that's okay, because when I do blog, I don't have to worry about being witty and erudite, because no one is going to read it.

So my newest dilemma is twofold. I have been toying with the idea of blogging my NaNo novel this year as a preventitive measure against procrastination. That, and Roof has been bugging me about reading the first year's novel for the last two years, and I figured that this way she could read as I go along (and help nag me to get things done, since she's that kind of supportive friend and one of the few people on this earth who could get away with gently nagging me and not get a right hook for her trouble.)

Problemo Numero Uno: I am sorely afraid that the idea of people (even one person) reading my novel on a day-to-day basis will completely shut me down creatively. One of the problems I had last year was not knowing where the plot was going as it was veering severely off the track. I couldn't put my brain aside and and just write. If I know someone else might be reading it going, "What the fuck? Where in the hell did THAT come from?" I might spend forever spell-checking and editing and sweating over 10 words instead of cranking out 50k.

Problem B: (Don't you love it when people start a list with numbers and finish the very same list with letters or vice-versa? It drives me batty! Completely insane!) If I do blog my novel, do I link to this blog? And if I do, can I ever feel free to say what's on my mind again? Now, honestly, all the people that might read this blog if it were linked to my novel blog are probably people that like (or tolerate) me already (friends, folks from the NaNo group, friends from the NaNo group.) I'm not worried about offending anyone. I am, however, extremely frightened of appearing stoopid.

I know, it's, well, stoopid, but I can't help it! I know people who are intelligent and amusing and urbane all the time, and I admire them greatly, but I am not one of them. I am amazed at the skill that many people have in what I call 'skillful small talk', which isn't always about the weather and those incredible/awful "insert the name of the local sports team here," but are more often about asking probing ( but not too personal) questions that get you talking about yourself and feeling really interesting or are about telling fascinating, yet slightly deprecating, stories about (mis) adventures that s/he has recently experienced. I must have been in the dessert line when this skill was passed out, because I can hardly ever think of something interesting to say off the cuff, and when I do, oftentimes it turns out not to be interesting, but deadly stoopid, as evidenced by the embarrassed silence of my audience shortly following the culmination of my tale. So I have learned to try to nod my head and say "How interesting!" to those around me instead of trying to be the interesting one.

But if people can see my terminal non-interestingness here, in print, archived for all eternity...I'm doomed!

The solution of every problem is another problem.
-Goethe

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