Monday, February 21, 2005

I've Got a Big Butt and I Cannot Lie

You other brothas can't deny, When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in yo face-

Oops. Did I sing that out loud? I was having a Sir Mix a Lot moment. But hey- who DOESN'T fucking love that song?

I do have a big butt though, and my comparatively itty bitty waist is much larger than it used to be. I was walking tonight at the Y, trying to get back into the exercise habit (I'm good at sticking to my bad habits, but not so great at even starting good ones...I say this as I drink my second beer...but I haven't had a cigarette tonight, so I'm doing well. And it's a well known fact that masturbation does not make you blind, so I don't consider that a bad habit either.) Anyway, the indoor track is on the second floor, and there are windows on two sides so that you can view beautiful downtown G'boro. Well, seeing as how it was 7pm, the windows acted not like windows, but rather like mirrors. While hustling down my lane, feeling good about lappinjg 2 gossiping women and a slow fat guy, I looked up into the mirror and was faced with a fact so startling I completely lost whatever momentum I had achieved in my 5 minutes of speedwalking when I realized that "My God- I have a bubble butt."

Now, let me explain that I think bubble butts are cute as hell on other women. I know it sounds stereotypical (because it is), but African-American women seem to carry off the bubble butt quite well, especially along with a sassy personality, a nice rack, and some tight pants. It is an asset, pardon the pun. It is not viewed as an asset on dorky, flat-chested, pasty white chicks in Buddy Holly glasses. Not for the first time in my life, I wish I was not white. Black people just seem to have more fun. Please don't stone me for that remark~ think about this- have you ever enjoyed going to church? It can be like pulling teeth at its best. Now think about all the black church programs you have ever seen on Sunday morning TV. Now if they can make going to church fun, just think how much fun they're having at a club on Saturday night, luscious bubble booties bouncing, while us fat white girls sit home and worry about our cellulite? And our white men would never think to tell us how much they just love our ample derriers, because, truth be known, they probably don't. They just say stuff like, "Oh, it's not that big," and then they won't touch it. But there's a whole song, written by an African-American guy, devoted to big asses. You can't tell me they don't have more fun. If they can make going to church fun, and proclaim the wonders and beauty of a set a large buttocks, then they are having more fun than 99.9% of the white people I know.


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