Thursday, May 05, 2005

Happy Fucking Mother's Day

It has occurred to me that no one in my immediate family seems to remember that I'm a mommy, now, too.

I mean, it has only been 2 years, so I guess I can understand if they forget. I didn't really expect anything last year, it being the first year and all, and being a single mom, there's not really anyone to buy a gift for me, well, except for my mom, and then there's my boyfriend (but he gets off the hook for last year since we had only been dating 6 months, and hey, I don't think he'd ever dated a mommy before), oh, and then there's the FATHER OF MY CHILD!

But this year, I was kinda hoping that someone might say, "Hey, Mommy of that small child over there, what would you like to do for Mother's Day? What kind of gift would you like? Would you like to go out to eat? What can we do for you, you Mommy person?" But, no. Instead, we're cooking dinner at our house, and I don't even think anyone wants to come. My great-granny is pissed that we're not coming to see her. My mom is getting pissy about sharing holidays with my boyfriend's family. And truth be told, they probably are tired of sharing with my crazy family, too, although they are way too polite to say it. And I get the feeling that they aren't psyched about coming this weekend, as they kept making references to 'letting them know if we really still wanted to do it, because if we didn't that would really be fine...'

I know, I know, if I wasn't so passive-aggressive, I would say, "Hey, what I want to do for Mother's Day is go out to eat and then go get my nails done and go shopping all by myself, then come home and take a long bath and a nap. Y'all can come if you want, and if not, well, so be it." But, no, of course, I'm trying to make everyone happy but myself, which is making no one happy in the end.

Sigh. Will I ever learn? I tell myself I'm being selfish if I put what I want to do first sometimes, but in the end, it's more selfish to play the martyr in my head, 'cause it tends to leak out and make me seems terribly irritable, which makes other folks very uncomfortable. Biting the bullet and doing my own thing would be like ripping a Bandaid off- painful at first, especially when everyone else is bitching, but it's over quickly and you feel much better afterwards.

One of these days I'll take my own advice.

The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.
Oscar Wilde

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