Tuesday, April 26, 2005

PMS- Pre Midlife Syndrome

I am fat and ugly and boring and horny and I hate my job.

No, I'm not a 47 year old man, I'm a 27 year old woman.

I understand why the stereotypical middle-aged man decides to chuck the Caravan and trade up to a Corvette, in literal and metaphorical terms- he wants to feel alive again. (Yeah, we all saw American Beauty, get on with it...) I feel like a condemned man many days- rush to work, only to spend nine and a half hours in a state of agitation and frustration doing mind-numbing, terribly non-creative work, come home, feed, bathe and entertain the wee one, put him to bed, bitch about work, eat dinner, fall asleep in front of the couch, get up late, rush to work...sometimes I just want to go lay on the railroad tracks and put myself out of my misery! (No, I'm not prone to melodrama, why do you ask?)

Well, I guess that's not totally true. I like the people I work with for the most part, I just don't enjoy the office politics and pointy headed management style of my middle manager (the VP is great, but he's not my direct contact...and Ms. Middle Manager is personally very nice, but as a manager, she is a clueless nitpick- knows very little about the actual dept, but knows a lot about how we should all be treated like factory workers, punching a virtual time clock and focused on speedy production vs productive, fulfilling work.) I think about moving into a different field with the same company that will pay much more, but would require a few years of study. Part of me says, Yeah, go for it! Make the big bucks! Who cares if you don't like it or it takes a few years- show me the money, honey! And another part of me says, Well, what about the Great American Novel? Do you really think you're cut out to be a business woman? And do you even want to be?

As far as my immediate family, I really do enjoy the company of Little Guy and Big Guy, both, it's just that we're all so busy doing stuff, getting ready, going places, that it seems like we have precious little time to actually hang out with each other and catch up, to talk, to play...I enjoy being a Mom more than I ever thought was possible, and that's probably the least stressful part of my life right now. (I know, I hear you saying, wait until he hits 13...but for now, he's a darling.) Little Guy is talking and emoting and not hanging off my titties anymore, so once we get him out of the diapers for good, it will be all gravy until he starts having wet dreams. And the Relationship is going well, we get along fabulously as roomates and friends. He helps take care of Little Guy, and I know he really loves him (and vice versa, as Little Guy has taken to calling him Daddies...) It's just that Big Guy and I spend so much time working and bitching about work and being drained that it takes a lot of energy away from...well...other things. But if we don't unload, then it's hard for either one of us to relax. But it's hard for me to relax someitmes without...well...you know...and when it doesn't happen, I feel rejected...I feel kinda fat and ugly already, since I almost weight what I did when I popped out Little Guy and I am too pooped to get off my lazy, fat, ugly ass to start exercising, so I am completely wasting the seventy bucks I spend on a YMCA membership every month! Especially since Little Guy *still* hasn't learned how to swim!

But I'm not bitter.

Whose fault is it anyway? Our capitalist society, with its focus on do more, earn more, buy more, be more ad infinitum? Or is it my fault for focusing on only the bad stuff? I try to remind myself that it's just work, and I need to leave it there, and I need to be fully present with my family and do sweet things for them, and I need to stop blaming others for my hangups about my body, and not allow myself to be victimized by my circumstances, which aren't all that bad anyway, etc...and it's really not working. I feel this overarching sense of pervasive ennui, and it's clouding my vision of the foreseeable future. Is this all there is? A sort of acceptance that could be called contentment, but probably not happiness? I know you can't feel like sunshine and roses all the time, but still....I feel like something is missing.

If it's not that my child is not fulfilling enough, or my partner is not perfect, or my job is not interesting...then I guess it's just me. Is this what it's like to be a grownup? Funny, I was thinking there was something more.

It is a shameful thing for the soul to faint while the body still perseveres.
Marcus Aurelius

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