Mid-Mid Life Crisis

I think I must be having a mid-mid-life crisis. I spent my lunchtime
fantasizing about working at a job where I make a real difference to the world-
teaching high school.

Somebody just shoot me now.

I know better than to even daydream about this- I was married to a high school
teacher, for God's sake! 60+ hours a week, tons of red tape, parents from hell,
all this excitement can be yours and we'll pay you -this is the real kicker- $8
bucks an hour!!!! And that's in a wealthy school district!

Call me materialistic, but right now, the pull of better money for less hours
and more free time has definitely won out. But it's a nice thought.

However, if I'm in a cherry red Corvette the next time you see me, then it's time for an intervention.

Hell, yeah!!!

For one night only (as far as I know), the fabulous Cailtin Cary and the amazing Kevn Kinney on stage, together, for 2 full sets, live at The Pour House!!!!! (Oh, and that guy from Drive By Truckers, too.)

Woooooo Fucking Hooooooo!

I already bought tickets and called the Baby Daddy to (hopefully) arrange some baby sitting, as he'll be shipping out to Kentucky at the end of January and needs to change as many diapers as possible before then. He was congenial, but unfortunately, he is having a bit of surgery the day before, and may be out of commission.

How To Be the Best Best Friend Ever:
I called my dearest bud just to tell her something else funny (a couple of high school friends/acquaintances have a band that is playing the same venue a couple of weeks later) and mentioned that we were coming to see the above band (without mentioning babysitting probs or anything) and she says, "Hey, just bring him (the Kid) by our house and we'll watch him." Totally nonchalant, out of the kindness of her heart. I am so lucky.

Of course, this will be our last resort, only if Baby Daddy and Crazy Grammy don't work out. Because it is a work night, and I love her so much.

Things Not to Mention at Xmas

...besides politics and religion. Courtesy of my mother, who mentioned every single one this Xmas:

-Rape, yours or anyone else's.
-Toilet training, yours or anyone else's.
-Terminal diseases, your (imagined) ones or anyone else's.

How to be the best boyfriend's family ever:

-Comment, "Oh, really?" in a detached yet concerned voice to all of the above.

Not only do I love him, I love his family, too.

But as I mentioned to his brother, I think we'll just go to Vegas next year (and neglect to tell my mother.)

At least we're not Jewish, else she would've been at my house for 8 nights instead of just one day. (Praise Jesus!)

Happy Holidays!

A New Christmas Memory

On the day before Christmas Eve, my mother gave to me...

12 sidelong glances
11 bitchy statements
10 'I hate Christmases'
9 hours of sighing
8 mini-migraines
7 'Nobody Loves Mes'
6 freaking guilt trips
5 totally unwanted pieces of advice on how to raise my chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiild!
4 episodes of paranoia
3 'I don't cares'
2 'Fuck This'es
and a Nervous Breakdown outside of Target!!!!

Merry Fucking Xmas.

Christmas time is here...

Houston, we have a Potty (Elmo, that is...black poop, Texas sized...)

Okay, that wasn't entirely funny. Actually, it wasn't funny at all, but if you know me, then you won't be surprised.

However, you MIGHT be surprised at how popular Potty Elmo is. For those of you who aren't hip and in the know, Potty Elmo is THE toy for chic toddlers this season. Elmo is decked out in a midriff baring tee and tighty whities, accessorized by a hospital foam green issue sippy cup and personal potty chair. The happenin' toddler gives Elmo a little somthin' somthin' from the sippy and in a blink of the eye, Elmo needs to go potty. Get Elmo to the potty in time and he sings a reward song. Don't, and fear the wrath of Poopy Elmo. Actually, he just says in a very pitiful voice, "Uh-oh- Elmo didn't make it to the potty in time." It makes me want to cry, it's so maudlin. Hopefully, it will make my toddler want to shit in the pot instead of in his pants.

Happy Holidays!

maddie who?

Kevn Kinney
Macdougal Blues
"Last Song of Maddie Hope"

Go buy it now. You'll thank me later.