hey, wait.

I *do* have something to post about that wasn't on my myspace blog. I don't think I want to spew this kind of vitriol to the masses, but hey, this here is my personal blog (which nobody reads but me) so I can be as bitchy as I want.)

Not unexpectedly, my mother bitched me out on the day of my wedding. Less than 2 hours before my wedding, in fact. But this was one of the worst, most hateful 10 minutes of crap that she has thrown at me to date. You're a terrible daughter. All you do is talk shit about me to everyone, which is why they hate me and don't talk to me. I hate you. You're such a bitch. I wish you weren't my daughter. In repsonse, I calmly told her that she was being a bitch and that I had wished we could get through one weekend without a tantrum (this was her third of the weekend and we had barely been there 24 hrs at this point. She also threw one the next morning before she left.)

Not that I expected her to apologize, but today she called me and made it seem like my fault. She said she was sorry that we had an argument, and that it was just because everyone was 'nervous'. This, to me, is the worst part. She started 'our argument' by screaming at me at the top of her lungs, and all I did was tell her that I thought she was being a bitch, albeit in a very calm voice. I did not scream back at her or tell her she was not Donna Fucking Reed herself, and that I didn't even want her to come to my wedding, but I invited her anyway (and went 2 hrs out of my way to pick her up at the train, which was 2 hrs late, making me 4 hrs behind schedule on the day before my wedding.) I call that restraint.

I feel like I have tried really hard with my mother, and that I keep trying in spite of the fact that she ruins every holiday, birthday, and special occasion with her temper tantrums. I try to get over the fact that she has insulted and berated me more times than I care to admit, in front of my husband, family, and friends. If she were a friend, I would have stopped seeing her a long time ago, but she's not- she's my mother, the only one I have (well, with the exception of Mama, who is more like an actual mother to me.) I try to see things from her perspective, that she knows people are nervous around her since she's a loose cannon, and that she doesn't have many friends because of it, and that she senses I get along better with Jason's parents than we ever got along, etc, etc, etc. But then I think- it's not my fault that she acts out this way. I am not responssible for her behavior. She is, and she won't ever take responsibility for it. And the rest of us have to pay.

I fell like I have reached a crossroads, in that I don't want to put up with her behavior anymore. I don't think I'll ever want to totally cut her off, because she IS my mother, and I feel like I need to try and keep some kind of relationship with her. But I don't want all my special days to be marred with the specter of worrying about her tantrums, and worse, experiencing them. I don't want to sepnd Thanksgiving and Christmas with her this year, I just don't. And yet, I don't know if that's the right solution. Jason's parents put up with her beautifully, and they would never suggest such a thing. In fact, I worry that they would think badly of me for suggesting it. And talk about a tantrum- I'm sure I'd never hear the end of how her own daughter cut her out of the holidays, the most important family time of the year. But what about what I want? Don't I get to have a peaceful, relaxing, joyful holiday? I know that idea is that that's not possible when your family is around, and that one should just suck it up and deal with it, but I think we're beyond just basic family irritation here.

Am I horrible? Or am I finally realizing that it's insanity to think that things will ever be different? Is it selfish to want to have a nice holiday when that means not inviting my mother? I wish I had the answers.

Or a Magic 8 ball. That would be a huge help right now, actually.

Touched by His Noodly Appendage (10-30-06)

As if it weren't enough that the weather was perfect, the wedding ceremony went off nearly flawlessly, and the reception was so wonderful that the cops even dropped by to say hello - twice - on our way back from picking up Sadie the Wonder Dog yesterday, we had a sign from Him! That's right, an image of the FSM appeared before us in the dirt on the back of a long-haul 18-wheeler on I-40. We feel blessed indeed. Perhaps this is a sign of His blessing? We were certain we had pleased Him with the Pirate Wedding Theme, but were saddened that we could not procure a beer volcano in time. However, I will note that the weather at the ceremony was nice and cool, an effect I believe was brought on by the amazing volume of pirates in the area. Someone should enlighten Al Gore.

Anyway, I just wanted to pass the news of our vision on to the fellow Pastafarian faithful. It is a most auspicious start to our life together, to be sure.

Ramen.

***Go here: www.venganza.org

if you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about. at least this time, I do have an explanation for you.***

Disaster Averted! Game On! (10-17-06)

We successfully pressed another devoted pal into service as our officiant for this weekend. Much love to JMC III, soon to be the Rev Prof JMC III. Sounds kinda like a rapper name, huh?

Whew. That was close.

uh-oh. wedding snafu in progress. (10-16-06)

If I hadn't mentioned this before, I'm getting married this weekend. The groom is a fabulous guy. We've been together 3 years, in which time I have gained 39 lbs- did I mention he's a fabulous cook? But more importantly, my son has gained a great father figure and I have gained a great friend. He has taught me so much about the really important things in life, like cowboy music, Terry Pratchett, and artisanal cheese (which is how I gained the 39 lbs- now he's having to cook tofu and greens to help me get rid of it. Only 23 to go-woo hoo!)

Anyway, we are very much looking forward to our wedding and reception (mainly the reception- we've been accused of getting married just to have a great party, and to that I say hey! you know a better reason to have a great party?). We were feeling a bit smug about having most of the major details taken care of already, one week before the wedding (we are very last minute kinda folks, so this is a major accomplishment.) However, yesterday, we got some bad news. Our officiant, a dear friend of ours, has broken his heel and will be laid up all week. All week. Including this Saturday. When he was going to marry us.

Shit.

Now it's a major bummer that our dear friend is going to miss the most fabulous party of the year, and we are going to miss having him there immensely. Oh, and there's also that little niggling problem that now, we have no one to marry us. We can't just run out and get a preacher to marry us, since we don't regularly attend church and aren't very religious. We could go down to the courthouse, but then our families and close friends won't get to see us actually get married. And we can't just get any officiant to do it, since we're having an untraditional theme wedding.

Anyone know where I can get a buccanneer pirate minister on the fly? (Must have own eye patch, earring, and poofy shirt. Parrot not required, but highly recommended.)

lazy girl

So...it's been a while. But I've been busy, really. Moving, marrying, working, all that stuff. I also have joined all the cool teens and child molesters out there and got my very own myspace page, so I can have cyberstalkers all my own. Hooray!

Since i have posted a (very) few blog entries over there, I figured I'd take the lazy way out and post 'em here, too. I'm practicing padding my writing, since nanowrimo starts tomorrow. Which means I probably won't be writing any more blog entries utnil Demcember. Oh Well.