Tuesday, October 31, 2006

hey, wait.

I *do* have something to post about that wasn't on my myspace blog. I don't think I want to spew this kind of vitriol to the masses, but hey, this here is my personal blog (which nobody reads but me) so I can be as bitchy as I want.)

Not unexpectedly, my mother bitched me out on the day of my wedding. Less than 2 hours before my wedding, in fact. But this was one of the worst, most hateful 10 minutes of crap that she has thrown at me to date. You're a terrible daughter. All you do is talk shit about me to everyone, which is why they hate me and don't talk to me. I hate you. You're such a bitch. I wish you weren't my daughter. In repsonse, I calmly told her that she was being a bitch and that I had wished we could get through one weekend without a tantrum (this was her third of the weekend and we had barely been there 24 hrs at this point. She also threw one the next morning before she left.)

Not that I expected her to apologize, but today she called me and made it seem like my fault. She said she was sorry that we had an argument, and that it was just because everyone was 'nervous'. This, to me, is the worst part. She started 'our argument' by screaming at me at the top of her lungs, and all I did was tell her that I thought she was being a bitch, albeit in a very calm voice. I did not scream back at her or tell her she was not Donna Fucking Reed herself, and that I didn't even want her to come to my wedding, but I invited her anyway (and went 2 hrs out of my way to pick her up at the train, which was 2 hrs late, making me 4 hrs behind schedule on the day before my wedding.) I call that restraint.

I feel like I have tried really hard with my mother, and that I keep trying in spite of the fact that she ruins every holiday, birthday, and special occasion with her temper tantrums. I try to get over the fact that she has insulted and berated me more times than I care to admit, in front of my husband, family, and friends. If she were a friend, I would have stopped seeing her a long time ago, but she's not- she's my mother, the only one I have (well, with the exception of Mama, who is more like an actual mother to me.) I try to see things from her perspective, that she knows people are nervous around her since she's a loose cannon, and that she doesn't have many friends because of it, and that she senses I get along better with Jason's parents than we ever got along, etc, etc, etc. But then I think- it's not my fault that she acts out this way. I am not responssible for her behavior. She is, and she won't ever take responsibility for it. And the rest of us have to pay.

I fell like I have reached a crossroads, in that I don't want to put up with her behavior anymore. I don't think I'll ever want to totally cut her off, because she IS my mother, and I feel like I need to try and keep some kind of relationship with her. But I don't want all my special days to be marred with the specter of worrying about her tantrums, and worse, experiencing them. I don't want to sepnd Thanksgiving and Christmas with her this year, I just don't. And yet, I don't know if that's the right solution. Jason's parents put up with her beautifully, and they would never suggest such a thing. In fact, I worry that they would think badly of me for suggesting it. And talk about a tantrum- I'm sure I'd never hear the end of how her own daughter cut her out of the holidays, the most important family time of the year. But what about what I want? Don't I get to have a peaceful, relaxing, joyful holiday? I know that idea is that that's not possible when your family is around, and that one should just suck it up and deal with it, but I think we're beyond just basic family irritation here.

Am I horrible? Or am I finally realizing that it's insanity to think that things will ever be different? Is it selfish to want to have a nice holiday when that means not inviting my mother? I wish I had the answers.

Or a Magic 8 ball. That would be a huge help right now, actually.


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