bastard hamster

my favorite escape, originally uploaded by gkp.

I am one of those people who remember their dreams quite frequently. At least 3-4 times a week, I'll wake up in the morning with a vivid recollection of a dream, generally an extremely weird and crazy dream, and think to myself, "Where the fuck did that come from?" I also often relate these dreams to my husband, who either laughs or looks suspiciously uncomfortable, like he might be rethinking that whole getting married thing. What can I say? My unconscious works in mysterious and frightening ways sometimes.

Last night, I had a garden variety bizarre dream. I was living here, in our very small home, with 5 other people, plus my Great Granny, who lives here in real life as well. The 5 other people and I all slept in the 2nd bedroom (this is a 2 bedroom house) in 3 sets of bunk beds. Among my roomies were my real life best friend and LL Cool J. During my dream, I walk into the bedroom to find LL engrossed in self-pleasure, and he isn't the least bit embarrassed to see me. It's good for you, he explains, as he continues on, unplussed by my presence. Then my GG walks in, sees the scene, and turns on her heel and walks out without a word.

The scene changes to the backyard, where the vegetable and flower garden that I plan on planting next year was in full bloom (in the dream, I thought to myself, wow, and we just planted that garden yesterday), and one of our outbuildings had been cleared out to renovate it into a dormitory. There is a party in full swing, and I remember my best friend is getting remarried. Much to my surprise, my ex-husband is there, through a friend of a friend, and we begin to chat. I need you to do me a favor, he says, it would mean a lot to me. Warily, I agree, and he proceeds to explain that he wants me to officiate at his upcoming wedding. Huh? Before I could ask him how his new wife was going to feel about all this, I woke up.

I would be worried by the weirdness, but all my dreams are similarly strange, if not stranger. I once dreamed I went on a golfing vacation in Scotland with my boss' boss' boss, and after a round of golf, we went to a petting zoo/night club, where a large caterpillar in a striped 'Cat in the Hat' style stovepipe hat attacked me while everyone else laughed. There were also tiny baby monkeys the size of little plastic Army men in small cardboard boxes in that dream. I used to have recurring dreams about having to dispose of strangers' corpses, and by that I mean the corpses of people that other folks had killed and then dumped in my car, or office, or home.

I do wonder sometimes what these dreams mean...LL Cool J whacking off? My ex wanting me to literally marry him to someone else? Strange corpses popping up in my closet? Dr Freud, your thoughts?

Or do they mean anything? Are they just my subconscious taking out the trash, dumping all those extraneous thoughts and associations that wander through my brain during the course of a day? I wish that I could corral all these strange but usually creative thoughts in a more well-formed and organized manner, say, a plot for a novel that I am supposed to be writing in November, which I have barely even started yet, even though it is now November 18? But alas, that is not the way my mind works. It is like a wayfaring hitchiker, stopping off in odd places, only staying still briefly, not making much of an impression on the surroundings, even if it would be interesting were you paying attention.

I find that the best dreams, the one that are the funniest or the most exciting, are the ones I don't remember. I wake up laughing or thrilled, and have only the briefest clue as to why, which then quickly vanishes as I become fully awake. This morning, I woke up knowing that I had just dreamed the most hilarious sentence ever. I saw it in big lights in my dream- it was the whole dream itself- and then I woke up, rolled over, and woke up Jason and told him. I promptly fell back asleep, and when I woke up, I remembered everything about the dream- except the full sentence. All I can recall is that it began with the words 'bastard hamster...' I am disappointed on so many levels. I am not a terribly funny person anyway, not on purpose at least, but I would like to be, and now I feel like my subconscious is probably quite humorous, and I have no idea how to access it. It's like that old Mister Mister song, the one that goes, "you can look at the menu but you just can't eat, you can feel the cushions but you can't take a seat..." Plus, I am dying to understand how you make a sentence that gets even more funny after the phrase 'bastard hamster'.

And of course, Jason doesn't even remember me waking him up.